Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
