Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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