I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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