I accidentally had phone sex last night
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
