If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
