you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
