You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
