I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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