yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
