and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
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Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
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Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize