im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
