So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
