I hate all girls vehemently.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
