I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
