if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
