Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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