im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
