I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong