Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues