you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
