I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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