the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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