if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i love accidental penises.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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