Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
