if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
