First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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