Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
