It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
