i already hear my dad disowning me
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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