Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
