I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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