a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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