I'm pants shitting drunk right now
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
