she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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