Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
