I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
