Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
