My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
