Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
