Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
