Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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