What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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