I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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