he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
