I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
