I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
