Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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