To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
