My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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