I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
