I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
