you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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