Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
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I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
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I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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