This is not my ceiling
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
