If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
