I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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