woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
