He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
