I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize